I've got a crush on youuuuu.


=)

"It's so crazy, you walked into the room that day, just like every other day except this time my heart skipped a beat."



Today I bought my Eurorail and my Britrail passes... I'm getting so excited! It seems so unreal - I'm going to be moving to ENGLAND for four months! This is the kind of thing my friends and I always talked about but never actually seemed like it would happen, and yet... here I am... (going into debt...) with a plane ticket, a passport, and my train passes all paid for in full. As August 26th slowly arrives I feel myself getting more and more excited! It's all becoming a reality!

I'm getting into shape, too! I started working out about 3 times a week at Curves back in April, and now I've really upped my work out. I am TRYING to work out at Curves every day, I'm also doing a short pilates routine every day as well as taking my dog for long walks/jogs every other day(-ish)! I'm feeling and looking so much better. Those English men won't know what hit them! haha

I'm wondering how to get more of my friends to come back to xanga? I sort of missed it.... I guess it doesn't really matter, I can write my thoughts down without any one reading them...it's probably better that way anyhow!

As you can tell, I am in a much better mood than I was yesterday. Things with that situation are the same, but I'm slowly starting not to care. I have developed a small crush on someone new, and perhaps that will help me to break off form this unhealthy relationship I have with Calvin. It's going on a year since I met him... I need to move on!

Well, off the the gym.

I'd imagined this meeting a hundred different ways over the years; each time with a different setting, but always the same conversation – sometimes ending in tears, sometimes ending like a fairy tale. I'd had dreams where I would seek him out at home, or in the best of those dreams, he'd come to me. I'd had nightmares of me running after him, begging him to listen to me, all to no avail. Everytime I had a dream like this I'd wake up near tears, my heart aching with the freshness of a new rebuttal.

Some dreams I'd pour out my heart to him and he would tell me he felt the same, he'd tell me how he'd missed me and he long to hold me again. Sadly, more often than not he would turn me away coldly and then fade away, leaving me standing there alone, ceaseless tears streaming down my face.

Everytime was a different story, but always the same concept. I needed this meeting. I'd been waiting for this day for three years. Now that it was finally here, I felt sick to my stomach with fear. How would this end? Why was I putting myself through this torture all over again? The knots in my stomach flipped and turned.

Just then he caught my eye from across the table and held my gaze as he spoke. Quickly, I averted my eyes to my hands as they sat wringing in my lap. My mouth was dry and my head was spinning. He kept on talking, laughing as he told some anecdote. I watched the laughter play in his eyes, those eyes I fell in love with.

"I'm really glad we're talking again, I missed having my bestie around." I said playfully, despite my sincerity.

"Me too," he said and placed his hand over mine from across the table. I smiled awkwardly in response and shyly moved my hand back into my lap.

What seemed like hours passed with ease as we reminisced about before; before – when he was my best friend and we trusted each other with everything. We smiled and laughed at each other's jokes, but inside my gut was churning at a sickening pace.

"You done?" he motioned towards my nearly full dinner plate.

"Yeah, I'll just take this to go. How much is it?" I asked as I reached for the check only to find he'd quickly snatched it away.

"Nah, don't worry about it, it's on me." Just like old times. Just how it used to be. Instead of insisting to pay I just thanked him. If there's one thing I knew, I knew he'd never listen to my argument.

We walked side by side to our cars. I watched him open his front door and panic seized my heart. This wasn't how I was going to let it end. I had to tell him, I couldn't wait any longer.

"Wait! I have something I need to say." Fear clamped its firm grip around my fast pacing heart as I stepped towards his car.

"Yeah, sure thing." He waited patiently with genuine care and concern on his face as I feigned bravado and marched up to him.

"Please, don't freak out." I begged him to listen to me blindly.

"Okay…" his eyes sought mine in questioning. "I'll try not to." He did his best to assure me.

"I need to do something. Don't worry, it doesn't mean anything, but I need to do this." He felt his body tense and brace for whatever it was I had planned.

Cautiously, I stepped closer until I was so close my chest touched his. "Please, don't freak out." I repeated quietly as I held his questioning gaze. Slowly I placed my hand behind his neck, my fingers slipping into the base of his soft dark hair. He didn't fight me as I pulled his face towards mine and touched my lips lightly to his. I paused; my eyes still shut, and felt his lips find mine again. Firmer this time, I pressed my lips to his and felt his response.

Mere moments passed; moments that felt like hours. The expression time stands still suddenly took on new meaning. My head was dizzy when I released him. He looked at me as though he was about to speak but I beat him to it.

"I have wanted to do that every day since the day we met. I just needed to know what it was like." I paused, my head still spinning. "I just needed to know." I repeated.

He smiled out of the corner of his mouth. "Was it how you imagined it?" he joked with me.

I gave him a look that begged for seriousness and immediately his eyes sobered of their laughter.

"I love you. I don't care if it's meaningless to you, but you had to know – no… I needed to tell you that I love you. I have loved you through these years, never being able to forget you. I know you don't want me, I know that's why you left, but that doesn't change the fact that I do love you. I will always love you, unconditionally, even after the way you treated me, no matter what the future holds… I love you. The meaning of those words runs deeper in me than you could possibly imagine." I took a deep breathe as a finished. My hand shook as I brought it up to wipe a tear away. I could hardly look at him now.

Silently, he stared at me, searching me with his serious hazel eyes. What was he looking for? Why couldn't he just say something? Immediately I began regretting everything I had just said. I turned my gaze away and felt the tears of emotion welling up.

He caught my eyes with his again. We stood there for a moment as he processed all I had said, devouring my sincerity.


Finally, he spoke.